Jesus loves me this I know? - by 410 alum (and Chris White's big sister) Kaylee White

​So Eric texted me this week asking me to share my spiritual journey with you guys and my first thought was when did I get old enough to have a spiritual journey???? So now I feel old but I’m only 20 and I promise I’m still cool, just ask Chris about my hilarious snap chats.
 
But anyways I guess my journey truly started when I was sitting exactly where you guys are sitting listening to possibly the kindest two people I have ever met telling us how loved and adored we were by both God and them and to be honest… I thought they were full of it. How could these two care so deeply for each of us? We were all punk kids sitting in that room mostly because our mothers forced us to come in each Sunday; I didn’t understand Eric and Angie’s love and respect for us and by extension, I definitely didn’t understand Gods’.
 
Now to give some context into my life at this point and hopefully help you guys relate to me some ways; here’s what life to 16 year old Kaylee was like. While I had great friends, an officer position in my theatre company, a job where I got free snow cones, and had just gotten my drivers license I was honestly pretty sad when I was alone. My older sister, who I ADORED, had just left for college and my Dad was on a 6 month long business trip so most days I felt pretty lonely. Sixteen is a strange and stressful age to begin with, school can suck so bad (I promise it gets better) and parents can make it so much worse; on top of all this I was carrying around some pretty dark stuff. I let my demons control me rather than trying to let God control them. I never thought anything could take the heartache away least of all a confirmation class full of strangers and a couple of volunteer teachers, but that is exactly what happened.
 
So through out the fall semester I came to confirmation class and I listened to what Eric and Angie had to say and as I participated Eric was slowly convincing me that God truly cared for me. Then thanksgiving break hit and disaster struck. My sister came home and she happened to be one of the only people who knew about that dark stuff I mentioned, well she decided to tell my mom. In hindsight I know now that she was trying to help me but in that moment my sister had just betrayed and revealed a part of myself that I hated to my parents. I was a wreck. For about a week anytime I was alone, I was crying, constantly. At one point I even cried my way through a McDonalds drive through, going from reserved tears to all out sobbing because the poor freaked out dude told me to have a nice night and said it extra sincerely because he could see I was upset. All I wanted was for someone to ask me what was wrong and finally someone did; Eric.
 
Like I said I was in constant tears when I was alone so confirmation class rolled around and I sucked it up, put on a smile (probably more of grimace) and went in. Once again Eric ended the class with how loved and cherished each one of us were by God, this shook me enough that Eric noticed and asked me to stay after class to see what was up. As I sat there pouring my heart out to him, Eric listened and handed me tissues and politely ignored snot bubbles. Eric was kind and patient and gave me Jesus’s advice on how to forgive people we don’t necessarily want to forgive. That night I walked out and for the first time that week I felt relief and for the first time all year I started to believe Eric when he said that God loved each of us.
 
 
So now that I’d accepted God loved me I started to wonder, when the hell was this whole healing thing every one was always going on about going to happen? Well flash forward to January and my confirmation retreat and God’s plan was set in motion. At your retreat you will get a chance to go to confession, I highly encourage you to take this confession seriously, as before this point I had taken each of my confessions as a chance to see what kind of a reaction I could get out of the priest, once confessing that I saw dead people (wasn’t nearly as funny as I thought it would be.) So at this confession as a newly restored woman of faith I actually told the priest about everything that had happened to me, and what was actually weighing on my heart. He helped me to forgive those who’d had a hand in my heartache and then for my penance he told me to stand by the lake in the morning when no one was around and let God’s waves of healing wash over me. There was that word, healing, and I thought yeah right but nonetheless I agreed to give it a try.
 
So morning came and I dragged my frozen butt to the waters edge. I said what I had to say to God and then I waited for those ‘waves of healing’ to wash over me until, very anticlimactically, a single bird scared the crap out of me and flew out of the reeds. Now I was pissed. I had done my part; I had opened up my heart and poured it out and all I got was one stupid bird??? “I WANT WAVES OF BIRDS!!!!” I screamed to God. Well God has a twisted sense of humor people, because at that moment thousands of birds took off out of the reeds in, you guessed it, waves. So I stood there, dumbfounded, and for the first time in my life I actually believed every word I had ever been told about how deeply loved I was and that everything would be okay.
 
So I’d like to say this to all of you, I know most of you have been going to some form of Sunday night classes since your first communion and its probably never been your favorite part of your week, well make it your favorite part. When I think back to high school now, this class means the world to me and I would give anything to have those first few months of skepticism back and trade it for really opening my heart to being confirmed in God’s love. Let the people around you here be your family when you need some extra love, let them be your friends when you need a little extra help, and show them the parts of your heart you keep guarded for fear that people wont accept you. The more you put into this class the more you get out and believe me you can get so much out of it. Being young is hard and life can kick you in the teeth so why not open up to having a safe haven that’s ready to welcome you with open arms. 

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